feel like a crazy person

Names amber...born and raised in lapeer michigan...my sons name is Nickolas Anthony Suter (my last name), born January 7th 2008 at 10:03 pm...he IS my everything, without him I wouldnt want to live, my best friend, my hero, my baby, my son...I love him more then words can explain...but we are or I guess more so me at this point are being haunted by the thoughts of his deadbeat father BILL JEROME MITCHELL I am so frustrated and confused at this point that its affecting me pretty severly...Im not sure how popular this website is or who exactly might end up reading this but I dont care...I have nothing to hide and I want to someone to talk too who knows the whole sittuation even if that person is just me because if I dont have someone to assist me in this really soon Im going to go crazy

so here is my story and it starts out that I am working in a gentlemens entertainment club, I am 18 and I am addicted to cocaine...I did allllooottt of partying and I did allllot of bad bad things...I hung out with Bill (my deadbeat) quiete frequently...we got high together...Bill and I have known eachother for 10 plus years we went to highschool together and were decent friends we hung out alot...anyways so here I am high on cocaine laying in bed at one of Bills friends houses next to Bill trying to go to sleep...anyone whos ever been addicted to cocaine knows this is a horrible part of getting high...Bill would not stop touching me and asking me to have sex with him even though I repeatadly said I did not want to have sex with him!! I eventually gave in and I just "let him do it" because I just wanted to go to sleep...i know how horrible that sounds but as a drug addict at the end of my line I just didnt care...I was hurting inside and out and going to sleep took care of my pain...he took complete advantage of me and I know it is my fault too but wtf my friend of 10 years pretty much forced me to sleep with him...

so my life as a cocaine addict continues...and bout 2 months later I knew something was wrong...I didnt keep track of my periods but I knew I had been partying alot with a couple guys and I knew I hadnt got my period in a long time...I was 19 when i get preggers btw..

so I denied the facts to myself because I knew if I peed on that stick and it said pregnant that my life would never be the same and I was practicly dead on cocaine and I was a stripper...I couldnt get pregnant not then very bad timing or so i thought

anyways about 2 weeks later I pay a tarot reader to read my cards and she says I am bout 3 months along so me and g/f drive to meijer pee on the stick and her I stand in a stall forever changed

It took me a little while to accept that I was going to be a mother...but when I did at about 2 1/2 months and I completly quit using cocaine cold turkey...I also quit dancing and I stopped talking to everyone I knew..I told both of the guys that I was pregnant and that I was not sure which was the father of my baby but that I was open to their thoughts about it and that either of them could be involved as much as they wanted or as little as possible...it turned out to be as little as possible on both of their behalfs...I completed my pregnancy and had a healthy baby boy...my little boy saved my life without him I would not be here today I know God had a great plan in his blessing me with my baby boy...my family was very very supportive my little sister was my labor coach and she cut his umbilical cord and we did labor and delivery classes together my mom and my moms best friend were with me throughout my entire labor...

Bill immediatly denied that Nickolas was his son and we did not get paternity results until nick was a little over a year old...mind you the entire time I had to hear horrible things from his other baby mother telling me to find my own babys daddy that bill has a family and nick aint part of it etc well i guess the fact that I have a son whos father is a deadbeat didnt really start to bother me ALOT until this summer

I moved out with a boyfriend this summer he had 2 kids also and he was a single father when I realized then how important it is for a man to be strong and desirable to his kids when I realized what a change having a daddy meant to Nickolas...me and the boyfriend didnt work out and I moved back to my parents about a month ago and I think that is really when the battle in my head begun to get really bad

I still work at the bar however I do not drink or use drugs I took the first year of Nicks life off to try to find a more respectable job which i did burger king...and I worked llooooong hours and I worked practicly every day and was still making less then i made at the bar in 2 days so I did decide to go back to work...but I have a lot of respect for alot of women in the entertainment business and it is my job thats all...I dont live that life I bring home the money not the men LOL but it does get the job done and it makes up for the lost income of the deadbeat...

it might take me days to complete this blog ...

my deadbeat completly ignores the life of my little boy...he does not care and he does not want him he will not pay child support he is ordered to pay me 20.00 a week (disgusting I KNOW) but he hasnt paid a penny ever and it is going on to be 1 year now he was also granted supervised visits but he never did one of those either he has 2 other little boys Isaiah and Izzack and his girlfriend Taleia who he lives with...Bill beats Taleia and I am friends with people who have witnessed it he fights with her in front of his boys hes broken windows out of her house why she puts up with i dont have any idea but she does and it makes me sick she even filed a police report that he kidnapped her and Isaiah drove them to a baseball diamond and held a gun to her head...which the court still hasnt decided wether she is lying or not because she recanted her statement to get him out of jail

I know that Nickolas is by far probably better off to not see his father...and I would not allow Bill to see Nickolas unless it was either at the supervised program he was ordered or in front of me but I just dont understand how you are supposed to be expected to just go on like it doesnt even matter...really like your child doesnt matter....I want Bill to be punished for having a baby he didnt want I want him to pay me child support so I can buy his son more toys for christmas then I could on my own so he can have the birthday and christmas he is entitled too!! I want him to suffer for making my son suffer and Im not going to give up until he is locked up or dead I think he should be charged with abandonment if a mother left her child one day and ust decided she didnt feel like being a mom for a couple years i am absolutly positive she would be jailed correct?? well just because we single mothers are here to put the pieces together the best we can for our babies doesnt mean that the deadbeat dickhead baby daddys of ours get a free ride

my baby matters and my baby is his son and until Bill mans up and a miracle happens I want to make hime dread everyday of his life i will remind him everyday what a piece of shit he is like ive been doing for the past two years

this idiot lives within walking distance of my house but my baby doesnt know him!


jeeeeez how ridiculous I just ranted for over an hour and it probably wont even make sense to anyone cuz it barely makes sense in my head but I just hope that someone will be a friend who understands and who i can really relate too because my sittuation sucks and my friends and family (who are NOT single mothers with deadbeat baby daddys) seem to think I should not care about wht Bill is doing or how miserable I can make him I pretty much text or call him everyday he never answers or responds but im fighting a war for my son and myself and for everyother mother in the world dealing with this bullshit and I will not let him get away with hurting my son men should not be allowed to get a woman pregnant and not take their obligation to their children as their father and their obligation to the mother as the father seriously!!!

THIS IS BULLSHIT LADIES WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING TO MAKE OUR VOICES HEARD TOO MANY BABIES HAVE TO GO WITHOUT THEIR FATHER DUE TO THEIR LACK OF MORALS AND MATURITY

as a mother I am expected to: provide food clothing shelter toys happiness love education discipline etc to my child. I am not allowed to get away with committing crimes or doing drugs. If a mother were to be introuble for drugs her children would be taken away from her if we neglected our children by not providing the above things we would be jailed..but FATHERS GET AWAY WITH IT EVERYDAY I think moms need to start fighting harder to get what we all deserve!! OUR KIDS DESERVE GOOD FATHERS and if they think they have something that excempts them from their obligation of parenting THERE ISNT ONE


sorry this is a bad first blog I can tell but Ill fix it up tomarrow lol its late and I am frustrated to a T! and now I feel like a jackass cuz in 2 seconds Im going to hit post and my thoughts and life will be out there for any of you to judge...